Every election cycle there are several phrases that are spoken so frequently that we just stop hearing them. They just become white noise- literally and figuratively. No phrase fits this description as well as “the American people.” As in “the American people want limited government” or “the American people are the best workers in the world” or “the American people don’t like Obamacare” or worst of all “the American people have spoken.” As this short sampling makes abundantly clear this phrase has already become a meaningless platitude. But I have found a way to repurpose the phrase and put it to good use in this piece. Since “the American people” are now responsible for installing President Pussy-Grabber at the top of our national government and making him the most powerful human being on Earth, let me say it as loud and as clear as I can: F#ck the American people. We deserve whatever we get from that vain and vulgar TV version of a public servant we just rewarded with the full measure of our political devotion. The day has finally come that we as a nation have broken our arm patting ourselves on the back. Did we really elect this jerk-off based on the slogan “Make America Great Again?” Are we that in love with the delusion of who we are as a people that we don’t even need to define our terms anymore? Just so long as it feels good to say and feels even better to hear? Evidently we are.
We are so into ourselves we have become the masturbation nation. Besides the fact that we spend more time on the internet watching pornography than doing anything constructive, it certainly seems that what we are best at these days is keeping our eyes shut tightly, blocking out reality, stimulating ourselves until we feel really good, and then making a big nasty mess to clean up. Give me a better analogy and I’ll give you my car- and I really like my car. Only Beyonce has justification to be so consumed with the idea of feeling herself, and as those “B Hive” folks on social media will gladly remind you, there is only one Beyonce. So the rest of us need to chill.
But let me be clear, my middle finger salute is not just reserved for the brain-damaged hayseeds, the despondent dissidents, and the wandering lost souls who all voted to set a raging Trumpster fire on the White House lawn. I have an even bigger F#ck You to the 47% of the electorate who didn’t even show up to vote. To say that there was a lot riding on this general election is like saying that Chris Christie has a problem with portion control, or that Newt Gingrich has a problem with ethics- Ya think?! Sitting out this general election on any basis is damn near an act of treason. And some of the sideline jockeys have even been dumb enough to try to defend their indefensible act of laziness and stupidity. These clowns should take advantage of the fact that we have secret ballots in this country and just STFU rather than expose their complicity in our national disgrace. And to the 11,000 fools that voted for Harambe the gorilla for president, I hope that every last one of you gets Turked by a syphilitic bear and somebody records it on their camera phone and posts it on YouTube. If you are not already ashamed of yourself, you most certainly will be then.
But it goes much deeper than that. The Electoral College gets the middle finger too, now and forever- both the institution itself and the people serving on it. It is the last codified vestige of slavery and it continues to make our elections as antiquated as those raggedy voting machines that keep showing up in Cuyahoga County, Ohio and along the I-4 Corridor in Florida. I understand that we will never get rid of the EC because cravenness is no longer a characteristic to be ashamed of on Capitol Hill. Lately it has even been rewarded, which most certainly guarantees that it will be repeated. But the fact that the Electoral College still exists and that there are political operatives who are stakeholders in its continuation justifies a double-bird shot to all parties involved- both hands, baby. Because of the Electoral College and the zombie-apocalypse level turn out we are generating these days, the nation is about to be governed by an unhinged 70 year old blond bombshell that only 25% of the electorate actually voted for. The message here is not subtle: the American People suck.
Need more proof? Let’s shift our scrutiny to Democratic turnout operations that produced modest numbers at the worst possible time. Evidently they weren’t “energized” or “inspired” enough to match the numbers they hit under Barack Obama. To be fair, it wasn’t necessarily a poor turnout but obviously it wasn’t enough to meet the demand of the moment. So F@#k them, too. And yes, I get the excuses: The Republicans played dirty- the voter id laws are corrupt; the Voting Rights Act was gutted; eligible voters were purged from the rolls in key states and districts; local Republican officials cut early voting; James Comey is an idiot; Julian Assange is a terrorist; and Putin loves Trump. And to top it off, my mother never put enough marshmallows in my hot chocolate on those snowy Detroit mornings when I was a kid. Blah, blah, blah. If we don’t know by now that the Republicans are shameless in their insatiable lust for absolute power and control then we will never know it. We should have been in front of all of these issues plus targeting a few more for good measure. But we were not- so now we have at least four long years to think about what happens when we function as a reactionary pedestrian party instead of a pro-active progressive party.
And last but by no means least, F@#k me and everybody like me who should have known better, seen this coming and sounded the alarm way back when it became clear that our little game of keep-away wasn’t cutting it. People like me have been around long enough to see that the college basketball style “4-Corners” offense was running on vapors shortly after the conventions. But instead of sounding the alarm loud and long and adjusting as conditions demanded, we sat by calmly and confidently while our team tried to run out the clock with way too much game time remaining. We assumed that media narratives would hold up- and maybe by osmosis sway any goof-ball undecided voters living off the grid in corn country. So I get the big middle finger, too- along with the rest of Hilary’s most ardent supporters who were complicit in her 4th quarter collapse. Of course, we are assuming that she was ever really leading like we thought she was. And on election night, we all sat in stunned silence like we had a right to be shocked that our country was capable of full-scale, nation-wide political arson. I’m alumni of the University of Michigan so I really should have known how those suburban white folks in Big 10 country can get sideways on you very quickly- especially when identity politics is gumming up the works. Blue Wall my ass. Reagan won up there twice when I was in elementary school so I never really understood the cock-sure attitude we had about the voters up there in the first place.
Michael Moore tried to warn us, bless his heart, but we just figured he was being dramatic to counteract the startling complacency he was witnessing. Turns out his film “Michael Moore in Trumpland” was his cardiac defibrillator-type attempt to bring us back from the dead when we didn’t even know we had slipped away. Despite his best efforts, we didn’t make it. Shout out to Bill Maher too, because he also tried in vain to wake us from the coma we were in. But lucky for us, these guys are both entertainers. So they can help us into a fantasy scenario where we can feel better about our political fate and feel good about ourselves. After all, what all of “the American people” have in common these days is our commitment to feeling ourselves.