I began to love my firstborn as soon as I got over the fact that my life and plans had been interrupted a few months into my marriage. I had not decided if I wanted to be a Mother. I wasn’t sure I had the “Mother Chops” so I was not happy when my doctor said I would be having a baby in 9 months. Awfully, presumptuous I told him and I would let him know what I decided. Needless to say, this little old white man with a South Florida practice was “disturbed” in my moment of candid reflection. Ask me if I cared?
And my conversation with God began as I walked out of the doctor’s office with a piece of paper that estimated my number of weeks. ” I am not sure I want to be a Mother. I just got married. I just got to Miami. I was recruited here for this new job and now I am pregnant. You got to be kidding me. I do not have any family or friends here. I have a multi-money dollar apartment community to turn around. You know how much money they paid to bring me here to do this job. I do not have time for this!”
I took 3 days to decide and it was an exhaustive 3 days of soul-searching, crying, reviewing, laboring and considering and I decided, okay yes. I can do this and the love affair with my son began. Right then, right there. I have shared this experience before and my church friends are always shocked by my deliberation but I always tell them God is a God of choice. Not the pro-choice movement (spare me the emails), personal choice.
HE allows us to make our own decisions. Right, wrong or indifferent and we live out the consequences or bliss of our decisions. Right, wrong or indifferent. Choice is a gift from our Creator and I know had I been “forced” to do what someone else thought was right, I would have been a horrible Mother. Instead, I was MOMMY on steroids and spent the first three years of my son’s life with him. I took a hiatus from my career and lavished in my new role as Mommy and I am so glad that I did.
My son taught me what pure love felt like. He was such a delightful child, I dubbed him JOYFUL NOISE, little did I know that would be prophetic. 15 years later, my boy child is evolving into a wonderful young man. He is a great kid despite my temporary moments of insanity when I want to put him out of the house for drinking all the milk, leaving his funky ass socks and underwear in the middle of the bathroom floor, forgetting to clean the cat litter or just getting on my last nerve for doing the dumb stuff that only boys seem to do.
He is on his way to fulfilling his purpose and destiny. I remember the day I asked him, “Evan, WHO ARE YOU, WHY WERE YOU CREATED, WHY ARE YOU HERE?”. He stared at me clueless and looking at me for the answers. “Ma, I don’t know?”
” Find Out. KNOW” was my response. “You have to know because I do not. I did not Create you. Go to the one who did and stay there, until you know and when you find out, come back and tell me so I can begin to prepare you for that”. Heavy stuff for a kid but personally spending over 30 years wandering around in my own personal wilderness taught me where to look for these answers. Some time later, he came to me knowing. He knew. He said he was here for music. MUSIC was his purpose….and my label of him as joyful noise came to mind.
I began to watch and cultivate and prepare him properly. Putting him in environments and conditions in which he could master music and that he is doing. Having been selected from over 500 other kids to attend a world-class performing arts high school, playing over 8 instruments and rocking out his major one, trombone I’d say, he is on to something. He is featured here with “Savannah” his favorite horn. He turned away from football and basketball last year (standing over 6 feet and weighing in over 235 then at 14) because he acknowledged being good at sports but great in music….that took courage!
Some of us have never posed these questions to ourselves…because we simply did not know to. We picked out what we wanted to be from a college course catalog or by desiring to follow in the footsteps of someone in our family. Nice ideas, but ones that often will lead to frustration or a sense of incompleteness or that ‘something is missing” nagging in the pit of our stomachs when we are not fulfilling created purpose or if we are off track.
Life is a journey and we can always change paths and begin a new. It is never too late to ask the questions we need to ask but we must be prepared for whatever answer we get and if we are about “that life” as my son says; we will do what we need to do so we can be who are purposed to be.