I am as guilty of this bullshit as anybody else so any stones I’m casting are catching me squarely in the dome too. I just got lucky enough to age-out of the class where you can get away with purely self-serving analysis and mass-communication happens to be my professional calling. So there’s my bona fides for you in a nutshell so dig the fact that this message is purely to instruct and assist, not to castigate. The first thing that most men do when we come to the end of the road in a relationship is to float this cover story: “Man, that b*tch was crazy!”
And in that moment, we really believe that our recently departed romantic interest transformed from this
But just because we sincerely believe it in that moment doesn’t make it true. Especially because we use that as our fall-back position every single time. To be clear there is no shortage of nut jobs out there. And if you are out there actively engaging the scene you are going to come across one of them. And they come in a variety of flavors.
There’s the “party so hard I barely know my name anymore” variety. The danger with this brand of crazy is that sooner or later she’s going to have a major crash landing where the partying starts to breed anxiety from her sense that she is always missing out on something when she used to just want to have fun.
Now she just can’t sit the f*ck down and be still and chill without restless leg syndrome driving her up the wall. And if you’re the guy she’s with at that time, that crash landing is going to include you so buckle up tight, partner.
Then there is “batsh*t crazy girl.” This is the one that was undeniably attractive up front, seemed really into you and was so cool you just couldn’t understand how this chick was still single with all that going on. And then you said something that she didn’t dig and she suddenly turned into THIS
And no matter how great those legs are you can’t think about getting between them anymore because you are too busy trying to make sure that you can outrun them.
True, these are the more fringe cases. These ladies are around and you could definitely find yourself caught up with one. But for the most part, when we throw out our canned-answer-cover-story about why our most recent relationship broke up, we have this particular infamous character in mind- or some version of her anyway.
This is our terrifying leading lady from 80’s cult classic film Fatal Attraction. And even though this chick boiled a child’s pet rabbit to death in her mother’s kitchen, poured battery acid all over old boy’s Volvo and kidnapped his daughter from school, the story arc of the central relationship was quite pedestrian:
Man and woman meet; Sparks fly followed closely by a hook-up; Unrealistic expectations set in followed by inevitable disappointment; Angry split and hostile aftermath; Lessons learned (maybe). The end.
And while that is a benign and politically correct depiction of what typically happens on the relationship carousel that most of us climb onto at some point in our late teens or early twenties, it is a framework that everybody can relate to. Certainly that framework can account for car windows being busted out and phone calls “checking in” at all hours of the night but on further review there is nothing abnormal or “crazy” about the set up for a failed relationship.
What men need to do is take a pause before we play the “that b*tch was crazy” card and think about what really happened. If her expectations were out of touch with reality, did we HELP or directly cause her to develop those expectations? Did she demonstrate needs that we knew we could not fulfill- but we kept getting what we wanted anyway until she figured it out on her own?
Well that’s not cool. A reasonable person would be pissed off once they figured out that someone willfully wasted their time and systematically deceived them. And when people are pissed off, they act out.
Did we change up on them in some way that gave them an ugly or bitter surprise? Oh, I don’t know, just a random example: Like did we come on strong, hot and heavy up front- praying for the panties to fall like rain and then ran for our umbrella as soon as they did? That might tend to illicit a spirited response from the most composed woman.
Is there any chance that she found out you were a porn-head or a pot-head AFTER she attached herself to you because you hid the hell out of it to ensure you made it to home plate first? And if you did, would she really be crazy if she put in a little work to encourage you to grow out of that phase?
Fellas, you get the point. A lot of our asses are crazy as hell too- maybe even most of us.
When the merry-go-round stops turning and the music stops playing on a relationship, just be cool. Take a minute to self-assess and objectively evaluate. It is highly unlikely that these women went nuts without any help from us. Ok, maybe she was sitting on the edge of the crazy pool wading her feet when you walked by and bumped her. She fell in and wants to say it was all your fault. Don’t worry about it. You have enough to worry about internally.
The way I see it, it’s ok to be a little bit crazy- I think it actually helped to enhance my own appeal here and there from time to time over the years. You just have to acknowledge where you might be bugged out, own it and learn to control it. It can be done- trust me. And if you own your crazy, it can’t own you. If somebody had given Ike that advice, we might remember him more for being a kick-ass musician than the crazy asshole that used all his “kick-ass” on the girl who loved him to pieces and had it in her to become a worldwide cultural phenomenon. Clearly, his crazy owned him and it cost him dearly for the rest of his days. (Hint: Don’t be like Ike.)
In landing this plane, I want to encourage any cats reading this to consider that there is no payoff to running down a woman that has just spent some of her precious time and energy loving on you- even if it was supposed to be a “casual” engagement. Whether she deserves it is besides the point. Prove you were worthy of her investment after the fact and don’t give her a reason to regret her experience with you even if it ran its course quickly. She’ll have to unpack that for herself and decide what it means. Don’t make her lift any heavier by acting like a horses ass on your way out the door. That is what you don’t want because that is some very bad karma. The good news is that you can have a great influence on how that plays out if you can just be cool. And for your sake as well as hers, I sincerely hope you do.