Lawrence O’Donnell of MSNBC won my quote of the day prize on Friday when he said Anthony Scaramucci is so mentally disturbed that he belongs in a straight jacket. Lawrence is one of the most insightful pundits in television but I don’t know enough about this guy to cosign on that just yet. What is certain is that Anthony Scaramucci is a complete a**hole yet we owe him a major debt of gratitude. I want to take some time in this space to offer the following statement of appreciation to the newly appointed White House Director of Communications:
“Thank you, Anthony Scaramucci! I understand you like the nickname “Mooch” which makes perfect sense the more I learn about who you are and how you operate. (Shouldn’t every jerk-off who made his bones screwing people over for Goldman Sachs be called “Mooch”?)
Americans really needed somebody to come along and set the record straight on a few things and you arrived just in time. The first thing is the most important of all: You are proving to Americans that a person can be very well educated and rich and still be a total and complete dumb-ass. To call you an assclown would be an insult to assclowns everywhere but they are just going to have to get used to it because Americans with reasonable exposure, insight and intellect can see very clearly that you are the new king. That’s right: Anthony Scaramucci, King of the American Assclowns. Enjoy that lofty post, King Mooch- it is sure to be the last office you ever hold anywhere. At least your reign is certain to last a good bit longer than Reince Priebus’ time as the White House Chief of Staff.
Which is a perfect segue to the second thing we all need to thank you for: very few figures in public life deserved the political buggering that you gave the back-stabbing, sniveling “Reincey” after Trump installed you in the seat formerly held by Sean “Porky Pig” Spicer.
So right out the gate, you delivered the public disposition of two of the most craven cowards to ever serve in the Executive Branch. Nice work, Mooch. We know you didn’t do it for us, but we thank you anyway. My only complaint is that you didn’t make Spicer squeal like a pig on his way out the door or force Reincey to wear that black, latex bondage Gimp costume that Trump surely made him wear when there were no cameras around. That would have been sweet to see but we’ll take what we can get and we’ll appreciate it just the same. Those shameless boot-licking lapdogs are gone from the scene and the public is better for it- until they show up on “Dancing With The Stars” at which time their descent to the ninth circle of political hell will be complete.
And last but certainly not least, because of you, Mooch, we now know beyond any doubt that we have absolutely hit rock bottom. You are Trump’s idea of an ideal spokesman for the highest office in the land and you are clearly the worst White House Communications Director that anyone can identify since there has been such a role.
Your abject stupidity is clearly something that you are proud of and wear as a badge of honor. You don’t know how our system of governance works or the role you are playing in it and you just don’t give a damn- and only really stupid and/or underdeveloped people lust to wield power that they do not understand.
Most people of reasonable exposure understand that sometimes you really have to hit rock bottom before you can begin your road to recovery. Mooch, you are what it looks like when a great and proud nation finally hits bottom.
Thank you for clarifying for us just how bad it can get so that we can get busy climbing the mountain again. The idea that you are in the same role once held by the likes of Robert Gibbs or Dana Perino is absolutely astonishing.
But now we get it, Mooch. Thanks to you, we FINALLY see that our actual weight is 30 pounds heavier than the weight on our driver’s license. We finally see that our wife doesn’t f*ck us anymore because we look like sh*t. We finally see that living a $100K lifestyle on an $80K job means we’ll be dead a long time before we actually hit the dirt. We finally see that we are not nearly what we thought we were or what we really should be and it is high time we take a good look in the mirror and make some serious changes. Those realizations are quite valuable, Mooch. Thanks a million.
But to be fair, Trump tried for months to teach us these same lessons but they didn’t break through. There was such an upbrush of emotion surrounding his election and defeat of Hillary that people have struggled to assess him objectively. Trump’s phenomenal popularity has made it nearly impossible for about half of Americans to see him for what he really is – a committed ignoramus and shameless vulgarian who has no personal or professional qualifications to hold any office beyond the mom and pop shop that is his family business. Of course, all of this applies equally well to you but since nobody has ever heard of you or gives a f*ck about you, they will just readily call you what you are as you continue to expose yourself.
Being Trump’s mini-me is going to result in you catching all of the direct heat that he has been able to sidestep for the most part. So maybe while The Progressive Pugilist is thanking you on behalf of all of his fellow citizens, the only citizen that you are actually intending to serve with your circus antics should be thanking you, too.